Let go.

I was wishing Philip Yim happy birthday on Facebook when a couple of thoughts struck me.

1. I really should be doing work.
2. Karven Kwan just wished him happy birthday too.
3. Karven Kwan is Peter's sister.
4. Peter is May Jean's ex-boyfriend.
5. I recently saw that MayJean Ooi has two profiles on Facebook.

If I'm being honest, I don't think I've got over May Jean.

In completely unrelated news, K-

Never mind.

Strange how this blog has (relatively) so many hits. I've almost forgotten about it.

So. Letting go.

What does that even mean? People say it like it's some sort of on/off switch that we're just reluctant to flick.

*lets go*

Residual feelings can lead to long-term damage.

I feel funny whenever the thought of May Jean comes into my mind.

I get that familiar sink of the heart. The empty, yawning chasm of hopelessness and desperation and pain opens up and my heart falls

falls

.

It's not so much her as it is the idea. I think.

I don't know.

It's what she represented.

It hurts very badly to find out that you've put your love in the wrong person. It's also very crippling.

I...have lost the ability to write. Not that I was any good at it before, to be honest. I just thought I was. My superiority complex has abandoned me.

Heart still feeling lost.

I mean,

I love Lerida. Right?

Shot to the heart, I need a shot to the heart.

11.57pm, which means another day of tiring lectures. But tomorrow is worse, of course. There's the heart-pounding math lab. The heart-pounding part coming from the knowledge that there is 20 minutes left to finish problems that I do not understand how to even begin cracking.

Then there's the two 1 and a half hours lectures for Engineering and Chemistry. I inevitably find myself battling off sleepiness during both lectures. I have to fight to stay awake. I always fail. Eating and drinking only lasts for as long as the cereal bar. Also, I recently bought fruit bars, and they taste like utter crap. Not sure if I can eat tomorrow then. This is looking worse and worse.

Oh and then there's Engineering lab, which is usually easier. Except this week's assignment was tough, so I'm expecting a tough lab too.

And of course, to round off a brilliant day, there's a Physics lab.

Sigh.

May Jean.

I don't know.

It's funny. I can't pinpoint any one specific thing that attracted me to her so madly. Other than the fact that she's pretty, of course. I used to think she was the most beautiful thing in the Universe. I could stare at her un-made-up face for as long as she would let me and I would not want anything else.

Sigh.

It was not how she looked so much as something about the way she looked. I don't think I can describe it, but you'll know what I mean if you've experienced it before. There's just something that tells you to takes the jump.

What a jump.

I've never fully recovered. I've been able to lie, most recently to myself, that I've recovered, but I haven't. Long-winded words.

The ghost of you lingers.

I had a nightmare, nothing could be put back together.

I don't ... miss her. I don't think I do.

Do I miss feeling the way I did?

In some ways, yes, I guess. I wouldn't mind to feel so insanely, madly in love again. But the only way you get that is to feel the worst ways too, so yeah. There has to be some sort of 'wanting' factor to that too. Things that you don't have always seem better.

Another wasted late night.

Constantly searching for that one song that encapsulates everything I'm feeling. That one song that I can let go to. That one song to which I can break down and finally, finally be free. That one song that will never come.

You told me you'd loved me.

In a strange way, What Could've Been had the most heartfelt lyrics I've ever sung. They were pretty much taken from a poem by Melanie, but there was something about them that struck a chord.

In all my songs, I hide behind laughable metaphors and nonsensical words. It makes sense that a simple, 'cliched' song would be the one that struck home.

I am feeling miserable.

And there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Take what you will from my mistakes. Ultimately, the only thing you will learn is that

you have to make your own mistakes.

And bear with them for the rest of your life.

May Jean, if you're reading this,

Why?